Brave risk or bluffing my way to destruction? Money on the path of my career dreams.
It’s Friday evening. I woke up very early, like 4 am, thinking about money.
The prospect of going back to Texas after my 4 month travel hiatus without an income didn’t really bother me up until recently. Well, that’s a lie. It did, but I felt like I would just “work really hard” and “get my own thing going” before my savings ran out in a few months. I planned to bulldose my way through the problem. Bluff like I have it figured out already, as if I am somehow in control of things working out a certain way and actually know what “my own thing” means.
I do this sometimes: bluff. It feels like a brave “fake it until you make it” situation, but I’m just creating unnecessary struggles by trying to be somewhere I am not.
I skip steps, miss my misconceptions, and create higher stakes for no reason.
I’m just hoping no one figures out I have no idea what I am doing. I’m pretending at the risk of my own safety.
Ya girl cannot control time, and I do my best when I’m relaxed (The Count feat. Wiz Khalifa), so it seems like a lot of unhelpful stress to give myself a strict timeline to make my dreams come true.
Plus, I’m trying to create for creativity’s sake and release my attachment approval / outcomes. I am here for the love of the game.
I resisted the idea of having a job, because it would mean I lost… I am moving backwards. Was the trip a wash if I don't have anything tangible to show for it and end up back under a vision that isn’t mine?
Once I had let go of the timeline, admitted a job would be a supportive factor on the path to my dreams instead of a hinderance, and released my ego’s grip on external markers of success, it was time to hop on Indeed at 4:44 am.
There was a gig in New Braunfels that looked up my alley. Career Success Case Manager? Something of the sort. I applied.
Slow motion by Trey Songs was in my head… a fun reminder it’s about the process. It’s less about getting this specific job and more about realizing I will continue to learn and develop wherever I am. It’s about the journey… not trying to rush to the destination. I find myself rushing often. I bluff, because I can’t keep up with the pace. I pretend I’m good at sprinting when it’s never been my strong suit.
The job in alignment with my vision and values will manifest itself in great timing to support me. I actually enjoy work and new challenges! Plus, I really think letting my creative work breathe is critical for its sake and mine.
So yes, I am open to getting a new job. I am not going to walk away from myself though. I think that's critical. In the past, when I transitioned to something more traditional, my passion fades or goes external instead of fueling my internal motivations. I abandon ship every time.
Focusing on enjoying the creative experience will support me in turning to creative work for pleasure instead of feeling burdened by additional “work” and letting it fall to the wayside if I do find myself wearing other (supportive) hats at some point.
I bluff sometimes, because I want to be somewhere I am not. I’m playing fantasy - “faking it until I make it”. Alternatively, when I’m in present action, utilizing my resources to support where I am now (like taking care of my basic survival needs) and simultaneously taking action with my creative vision, then I make wiser choices rooted in reality because I’m not pretending to know things I do not. From here, I can ask necessary questions to learn and take meaningful steps forward.
What do I need now?
What resources do I have to work with?
What environment helps me feel supportive?
How do I imagine the risk making me feel? Does it feel empowering or stressful?
Why do I want to take the risk now? What signs am I being shown?
My work is enjoyable and relaxing when I honor where I am in relation to it even if that means it’s not perfect or happening on my perceived ideal timeline. I get to where I want to go with more ease because there are lower stakes and I’m less attached to things I cannot control in the process. I’m not “faking it”; I am engaging in hands-on learning as I move towards my goals which means meeting myself where I am and moving from there.