Airport Haunting: Disapproving ghost with surprising advice

I’ve been in the Phoenix airport all day trying to catch a flight with an empty seat to Albuquerque.

I ain’t really mad about it though. I feel like I should be frustrated, like BOO PHOENIX. I WANT TO GO TO ALBUQUERQUE. I can’t even pretend to feel that way though, maybe because Albuquerque is so random. I don’t know what they got going there…. probably hours of extensive lessons in elementary school dedicated solely to learning how to spell their city name. 

People in the Phoenix airport are actually quite entertaining. A woman walking next to another woman wearing the exact same denim jacket and orange shirt, turns to her twin and goes “one moment you are standing at the altar and next thing you know, you have a headache”. 

My next scheduled event is two days from now, so yes, the Phoenix airport and I can collaborate until then. I’m stocked with Reba on the TV, an endless supply of moving sidewalk rides, and plenty of time to reflect on how the hell I’m going to create the life of my dreams.  

I’m totally cool… obviously.... besides the fact I am being haunted. Yes, haunted and not just by a poster reminding me of my currently unfulfilled Albuquerque dreams.   

My past few days were slightly troubling, perhaps foreshadowing the haunting. I was freaking out after a long spell of creative highs. Ah yes, what goes up must come down. 

For weeks straight, I had tunnel vision on processing my creative ideas. I wrote pages and pages. Inspiration was flowing. I was cooking up stories and connecting dots across my writing. 

I thought I was ready to move to the next step: editing all my work into a coherent narrative, but when I tried, I was totally stalled and frustrated. I couldn’t string a coherent line. “Paige! You better back off. Not the move.” was the obvious message from the mess I was making in google docs. 

Not only was I creatively waffling, but the whole “business strategy” side of things wasn’t making much sense anymore. I felt like I had my heart set on scaling a mountain with no viable trails. 

All weekend in Seattle I tried to come to grips with the startling energy shift and the holes in my plans forward. Solid ground was hard to find. Despite the comforting presence of air travel passengers also in uncertain transitions, I am still wandering around the airport in a frenzy. 

What now? How am I supposed to move forward? I am just supposed to let go of the work I’ve been putting in nonstop for months??

I feel scared and nervous, like maybe all of this work was for nothing. Was I crazy for quitting my job? Am I delusional? I might be ridiculous. 

Who even am I?

Nothing. You want me to move forward and get on a plane to Albuquerque with nothing???

It feels like my sense of self vanished.

I am spiraling. 

Then I see him.

It’s been months since our last encounter. No formal goodbye to ease the startling hello again.

I blink twice…maybe just a trick of the flattering airport light. Nope. Attempts to look away and ignore are no use. Every corner I turn, he is there and my heart drops. 

Every man with fair skin, dark hair, and a hat in this airport looks just like him: the man who thinks I’m a joke. 

There was something in his eyes the last few times I saw him. It was a mixture of amusement and contempt, like I was entertaining in a flawed way. There was something he wasn’t saying, like he was in on some sort of joke that I was the punch line for. 

Do I know for a cold hard fact he was patronizing me? No.

Did he ever accept any of my invitations to my incredibly fun parties? No, but this is still circumstantial evidence. 

For some reason his eyes and a smirk I’d never seen before just started saying, "you are an idiot”. We actually got along well IRL, but at this point, when I’m alone with my thoughts, he represents all the reasons why I am a loser and everyone who knows it. Also, at this point, he is EVERYWHERE in the Phoenix airport. You would think after like 5 times, I wouldn’t have to blink twice, but I kept having to blink twice. 

I decide it’s time for a seance. I plop down on the ground. A chat might do us some good; at the least, it will give me some additional airport entertainment as I already hit all the moving sidewalks twice now. “Why are you here? How did you even know I was in Arizona?”

He’s direct. “You desperately want people to like you, specifically guys. The need for approval is so deep that you project it onto me and I don’t even really know you or frankly, care.”

Ouch, my feelings are hurt, and I still don’t know how he found me, but I hide behind annoyance with “Oh, so you are just here to kick me when I'm down. I’m aware I have a pattern of trying to be liked, but I’ve been alone for months! Why remind me of this now? I’m focused on my career.”

No visible reaction to match his blunt response. “Approval-seeking is your career problem too. You keep getting in ruts and doubt, because you do not trust yourself. You want confirmation your decisions are right, so you stall and get afraid. You want people to think what you do is good, so you make moves you are not even built for and fail.” 

“Wow, quite helpful for someone who supposedly doesn’t even care” I bite back before thanking him for his time, because I don’t think it’s in my best interest to make enemies with a ghost.

He’s right. I move from a place of wanting approval. Is what I’m making good enough? Will people like it? Am I appealing to their standards?

I don’t even realize I am manipulating my natural behavior most of the time. I am familiar with letting other people call the shots. Here I am looking to a ghost for guidance!!

I’ve defined my success based on external factors my entire life, so when change ensues, as it always does, I start freaking out.

I spend so much time trying to control myself and my work to get the desired outcome. I think I am getting what I want, but I’m actually just doing what I think will show other people I am successful by traditional means. Dang it.

As I make another lap in Terminal B, I think the answer is overcoming my fear of rejection from others. I have to walk past the ghost with a proud chest whether or not he likes me, but the ghost is gone.

It’s just me. 

What’s that mean? 

The real problem is I keep rejecting myself. I keep leaving myself behind to chase a fantasy or follow someone else. I don’t trust my natural instincts and sense of style or direction. I don’t approve of myself. 

When I come to accept myself for where I actually am… unsure of the future, questioning the next step, and seeing a ghost, then I have information to work with. 

I can figure out what I need and what I tangibly have in the moment to get there. My own voice starts to talk. The wise one who is actually in the Phoenix airport. 

How do I keep disconnecting from the same voice that’s been guiding me and fueling the creative vision the whole time? 

I go somewhere I am not. I am not present. My voice is only here, not somewhere else. 

My capacity to create stems from my relationship with myself, here now.

• What do I feel?

• What can I do right now? 

If I find myself haunted by haters, real or imaginary, instead of attempting to control myself into not caring or letting them control me. I can just listen to my own voice. What do I have to say about the fact I’m being haunted at the Phoenix airport? What does it mean? What can I create or learn from it?

I’m back baby. The flow of creativity is here again, but in truth, it never left. I did.

In other news, I got a boarding pass and turns out Albuquerque does have it going on!!