Is posting online key to my enlightenment?
I’ve started and stopped creating like a lot… if you follow me on instagram you are well aware of my various phases. It’s a predictable cycle. I decide to post online then pop out for like a few weeks (if i even make it that long) and it fizzles out. Sometimes, it’s because I'm not ready and I try to skip steps. Sometimes, it’s because it wasn’t the most well thought out idea. Sometimes, I get scared and I am afraid of judgment. Sometimes, I just grow in a different direction.
Chloe told me over the summer, “you are really smart and capable, but you gotta finish something”. Hearing this feedback after trying a traditional route: going back to college, loving my job as a teacher, then leaving it after a year. I’m like damn yeah, you're right on that. I really gotta stick something out. But what exactly?
For the past few months, since my last time saying, “Okay, this is really it this time! I’m committing! Watch out on insta stories because I'm about to post every thought I have from sun up to sun down.”, and inevitably being unable to sustain my fire, I’ve continued to create, but this time under the radar. Unless you’ve been around me in person… because in those circumstances, you 100% had a vlog camera in your face.
I stopped posting, because I couldn’t keep up with the pace I was moving. My phone was flying off my car and my dropbox kept crashing. Also, because I wasn’t clear on my vision, like at all.
Why do I want to make things? Why do I want to share them with others? Why am I here?
I looked back over some of the resources I collected for my curriculum as a career and technical education teacher and reflected on my work values in an attempt to answer these questions.
Creativity is #4 on my list of work values. I want to make new things; I want to envision new routes; I want to be in the process of evolution. Plus, maybe even more importantly, creating is a joyful experience, so I assign value.
But in order to make new things, it requires me to be authentic or it’s not really new. I am just modeling or mimicking others. Authenticity is scary though. I have a lot of fears around being my truest self. If I am not adjusting my behavior in an attempt to be what I think someone will approve of, I feel as if I’m in danger. There is a rooted, old belief that if I am not accommodating or slightly hiding then I will be rejected. At this point, it’s such a pattern it takes effort for me to realize I am even doing it. Even if I build up the courage to make something and share it, just the thought of someone not liking it gets in my head and I cower away in fear.
At first, I wondered if I should keep creating without sharing. Why do people need to see it? If I am creating in the comfort of my own space and the experience itself is enjoyable, why even take it the next step to be seen?
My #2 work value: independence. I want to be an independent person; I want to move without outside control. At least, in ways I have power to do so. The reason why I do not create (aka share authentically) is because of my fear of rejection by others, so my actions are influenced by external forces which ain’t independent. The result is feeling terrible and unfulfilled, because independence is important to me and I’m not living in alignment with it.
How can I grow comfortable with taking independent action and being seen authentically? If I could only get rid of the fear of rejection first…. it would be so much easier. I think the only way is through. I tried to come up with another way, but hands-on learning is backed by irrefutable research.
Here is the tricky part. I’ve made it to this step before. I’ve made things and shared them. It seems like comfortability without approval, but I am secretly expecting my actions to give me validation and my creations to deem me worthy.
I create and share, but search for an answer on the other end of the line that praises me with, “A+ Good job Paige!” or grants me the money, job, or status to confirm I’m good. I might not be too scared to create in fear of rejection, but I’m instead creating in order to receive approval. When I feel like I’ve failed at that, I quit again. They are two sides of the same coin.
It is the same trap of basing my actions on outside perspectives (positive or negative).
Creating in pursuit of approval
Not creating in fear of rejection
My intention is to learn how to joyfully create as a baseline with or without approval.
Instead of being small and hiding in self-doubt or reaching out in confirmation I'm worthy, I will practice creative expression for internally sourced joy. I will learn how to create for creativity’s sake, act independently, and let go of my own attachment to approval.
So, this is what I’m going to stick out. I am going to learn how to be true to my values (independence and creativity) by utilizing them as a metric for my decision making and progress tracking.
How does it feel when I create?
Am I moving from a place of independence?
What am I learning about detachment from approval through the process of sharing authentically?
Yes, another fresh start! My instagram followers probably hype.